Mom's of Toddler Boys

I am having the most trying time with my 3-year son. Oh how I miss the days of tame pre-teenagers (I have pre-teen stepchildren). They may have attitudes but it's different type of attitude maintenance/tolerance with children/preteen than it is with toddlers. These toddlers have meltdowns and it can just drive you up the wall. In school, he is ok. However, he is having a time staying focused. As I have been told by everyone, it's normal. But how long do we continue letting "normal" be the standard? I do not want mishavior to be a standard because it is normal. I have been keeping up on my reading of toddlers and how to manage their behaviors and you know what it has gotten me? A whole bunch of knowledge and information that I know but when put into practice, it just doesn't work well all the time.

Toddlers require patience, patience, and more patience. They need strict guidance and boundaries set. This is their learning period of what is correct behavior and what is not. While I am going through this toddler stage, keep sending your positive energy my way bloggers.

From one mom to the next,
Aurellia

What Matters to Them

I was looking at picture of my 3 year old and started to cry. The picture of him was so simple and caring yet spoke volumes to me in a split second. To my 3 year old, it doesn't matter how many degrees I have (or if I have any at all). It doesn't matter to him if I am a cover girl's beauty or a prized writer. To him all that matters is that I am there for him. He asks me, "Mommy, do you see me?" or "Mommy, are you proud of me?" To him, the only thing that matters to him is that I show up. All the striving we do is really for us. All our pursuit is for them (we tell ourselves, society tells us) so that they can have food and clothes and then get into the best colleges and so forth. But really, for them (at any age) all they really want is for all of you to see all of them.

So this is not an excuse to not be a provider for your children and pursue a career. But what is should say to you is that when we are in all our pursuit of success and happiness, we must remember that there has to be a level of simplicity when it comes to our children. They want a warm body to play their latest pretend game because truthfully, while he has the Nintendo DS, he is just as happy playing with the cardboard box and making it a car. Listen to the hearts of your child, listen to her eyes. She is telling you what she really wants, or more importantly, what she needs.

From one mommy to another,
*Aurellia*

To Our Babies

I've mentioned in various social media forums that a good sister-friend of mine is working on a manuscript for mothers. This book is phenomenal in concept and I know it is going to be even more amazing. It is going to be a work about what we as mother's need to make sure we tell our daughters. (She is also penning one for our sons too, so don't feel left out mommy's of boys.)

My sister-friend and I both have similar stories in that we feel there are aspects of life and growing up that our mother's didn't tell us about and that, as we are older, we wished they would have told us. Don't get me wrong--we are NOT blaming our mother's for the oops! that we have done. By far. We do, however, (after many failed friendships, relationships, therapy sessions, etc) recognize that there were essentials to being a woman that only a mother could have told us.

Some of our mother's are amazing. Some of our mother's are not so amazing. Regardless of which category your own mama falls in, you can have the opportunity to be an amazing mother. Not a perfect one but an amazing one.

I can't wait to read the first chapter. There are lessons I wish I'd known but am excited to pass them on to my children.

*Aurellia*
-------------------------------------------------------
An Excerpt from Lisa Tate-Hamilton's book, Lessons to Our Daughters:

I can’t protect you from everything, but Mommy looks for a teaching opportunity in every situation. One day I hope to look back at your journey and be able to measure your growth and fruits of my labor. And even then, I will still be your mommy, working tirelessly to make your life easier.

I always say:

"Nobody loves you like I love you,” because you are a mirror of me. You are the legacy I leave in this life.

To stay connected to Lisa, read her Examiner articles at http://www.examiner.com/motherhood-in-mesa/lisa-tate-hamilton.

Mommy Meltdown Moments

Every day without fail my 3 year old son has a meltdown of sorts. The largeness of the meltdown depends on him having taken a nap at nap time. Just today, he had a meltdown moment in the car when I told him we could not eat at the McDonald's in the Wal-Mart but we were going to go to the other. Straight volcano of tears erupted from his eyeballs. He decided to have noodle legs as we walked from the store to our vehicle. After arriving home, we sat down and ate our dinner. I thought the coast was clear but then 10 minutes into our meal, he decides to have a crying fit because they forgot pickles on his hamburger. (As you may have guessed by now, no nap at school during nap time.) Needless to say, I got him to watch his new Mario Brothers movie in his room. He fell asleep on my lap after the movie was over. Bedtime came early like I knew it would. I was drained by the end of his day and in tears my own self. I wanted to have a meltdown myself but had to keep it together. I was going to call a mommy sister-friend in OHIO but was too exhausted to talk. So I just cried. I just felt like a terrible mother.

How many Mommies out there have meltdown moments? How many actually allow yourself to have one? I can raise my hands a few times to neither question. I don't. I don't allow myself to have a major meltdown like my 3 year old, like my then 10 year old step daughter. It's something about children who don't feel the need to have a meltdown on you because they're tired or moody, or hormonal or just downright mad because they didn't get their way. They take the liberty to fall don on the ground and kick and scream. They don't ask permission to refuse to obey the simplest of request or command. They just do want they want and have a meltdown moment.

But Mommies, what about our meltdown moment? When do we get to just throw a tantrum because we are not being respected or heard? When do we get to just stop making the world go 'round for our precious seeds? We don't. We can't. We have a responsibility to nurture and care (and for some of us, a lot of us) and provide and protect our children. We do not have the right to take our anger out on our children violently. So that means our meltdowns have to come in another form of release.

Mommy Meltdown Moment (CPS approved, or at least not in violation of correct child rearing):

-get a babysitter or a mommy's helper for an hour or two
-remove yourself from the situation and take a bath or a shower (if they are of proper age to be left alone without supervision)
-just stare at them while they are having a meltdown and think of a calm location you can actually see yourself visiting. TDisclaimer: this is not suggesting you to check out mentally; it is a fun version of what many therapist suggest one do when they need to diffuse their anger, i.e. Count to ten, breathe in and out for 10 seconds, etc.)

Please feel free to add more ways mothers can release (violent free) in the moment the pressure or frustration raising children can bring.

Blessings from one Mommy to another,
Aurellia

Is a Village Necessary?

Many of you have heard of the saying attibuted to the African people, "It takes a village to raise a child." This "proverb" is heard from the Pulpit to the Halfway House, from Main Street to the White House. While this saying may be true, is it necessary that the village raises each person's children? There can be an argument for both (and for the record, I agree with the saying and its necessity) but for the sake of thought, I ask: "Who is in this village and do I really want you to aid it the raising of my son?"

In today's world, there are a lot of people in our "villages" that are just not who we want to pour their "knowledge" into our children. Let's leave out the drug dealer and the street walker (those are understood not good village people) but what about those whose way of parenting we don't think is morally kosher? And what about the people whose hearts are just not pure? Is this the village person we want to correct our child? What are they correcting? Is it a legitimate correction or is it their own propaganda that they are spreading and trying to infiltrate that into the minds of our children?

I know this may not make sense to some and you may ask yourself or to the person next to you, "Where is she going with this?" But I was thinking about this concept the other day as I was having a "discussion" with someone regarding my son and their way of correcting/chastising him. I didn't agree with what he was trying to instill in my child and it was in opposition of what I wanted him to learn and know. I have many in my village and I want the village to aid me in raising an AWESOME man, but what do I do when the village's child development views and philosophies does not match mine?

*Aurellia*

Random Thoughts--Bioparents, Nightmares and shoes

Normally my blogs have a theme and are clear and concise but this morning, I don't have one topic I'd like to talk about but rather I have lots of little thoughts that might interest you reader.

For starters, I just want to say that it does a disservice to every child born to be raised by only one parent. Yes, I know everyone has a story and that not all parents want to have the other parent around co-parenting. However, that does not negate the statement above. Every child born should be raised, reared, co-parented (whichever term you chose) by both of their biological parents.

Next, parents, you don't need permission to protect your children. They were entrusted to you, so make sure you do all you can to keep them safe-emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically. My son has been having all sorts of night-mares, -tremors, -fears. It has been brutally exhausting for me because I am not able to sleep while or after he has been screaming and calling "Mommy" and "Daddy". So, it begs the question: What is his little spirit that is keeping him disturbed and tormented in his sleep at night. So, I'll be investigating and praying.

Lastly, how many shoe sizes is my son going to go up in the next couple of months?!?!?! I mean, I just bought him his ever beloved Disney brand Cars sneakers from my most favorite discounted shoe store and his size increased a whole half size in one month. THIS is why I purchase his school shoes from my most favorite discounted shoe store.

Have a great day bloggers. Continue being a Mom. You really are the only one they have...

Blessings,
Aurellia

Frustration Wars

How many times have you had to have a tug-of-war or struggle with your toddler? It's bathtime and they are struggling against you to go to the bathroom. They are holding on for dear life to the couch they are laying down on. It's bedtime and they are playing hide and seek with you in hopes that you will not find them hiding ever so cleverly in the same spot they always go to for refuge. It's a flat out war. And what is even worse is the war you are having with yourself. You are trying your hardest not to get frustrated with this little two-, three-, or four-year-old replica of yourself. Frustration War! How many of you have them on a constant bases? I know I do...every day.

But it literally takes me leaving my toddler to his little shenanigans for a few minutes while I diffuse the pressure that has built up inside of me. I have to tell myself over and over again, This is normal behavior for a three-year-old little boy. And while the behavior is not acceptable (no matter how normal it is), it is no point allowing my frustration with him explode into a full out war with Self.

Mommy's, they do love you and they do want to make you happy, but their brains are not there yet--they still will (attempt to) do what they want to do. Stay calm. Stay pleasant. And breathe. Don't allow their wars to create a frustration war within you.

Blessings to you Mommy,
Aurellia

What a Difference a Word Makes

My son always asks me "Mommy, are you happy with me?" when he knows that I am upset with him regarding his behavior or action. I am honest with him. If I am not happy with him, I reply with a "No." If I am happy with him, I reply with a "Yes." My "Yes" or "No" to hold  makes all the difference in his mood for the next 5 minutes (because unlike adults, children really do not hold grudges for very long). If he hears me say "No" his face makes a frown and puts his head down. If he hears me say "Yes", his face lights up and goes along bouncing with joy. That has me thinking what a difference a simple word makes in the esteem of a child.

The words you say to your child are powerful beyond measure. During the toddler stage, especially, they are learning who they are within themselves and the world-at-large. We as Mommy's can make or break the spirit of a child. So be careful what words you speak to your child. It will either build them up or tear them down; it will either inspire them or retire them. Speak life to your child!!

From one mom to the next,
Aurellia

WORDS TO BUILD YOUR CHILD UP:

I appreciate you!
You're Special!
You're Awesome!
You Rock!
Amazing!
I love you!
You matter!

Other's People's Kids

Hmmm...I really don't know what to title this blog because there are so many issues surrouding the subject of what happened in my son's preschool class yesterday. The main issue I guess is the behavior of other children in your child's class and what your role as the adult parent witness. Let me explain: Yesterday, I dropped my son off to his preschool class and there on the floor was his classmate. This little boy (we'll call James) was sliding up and down on the floor while the rest of the children were in line to wash their hands before breakfast. Well, James decided to start kicking the other children on the side of their feet. So I decided to tell him to be nice and stop kicking the other children. He then proceeded to spit at me and kick my son. I was thinking in my head, Oh no he did NOT just kick my son. I told him again in a more stern voice using my nicely polished and long pointer finger, "No, No. Stop that!" He just laughed and continued.

You may be asking where we the teachers. They were all there and telling him the same things but in a more non-chalant manner. You also may be asking what was my son's response. My son was just looking at him like "What are you doing?" (lol) And as my son is moving up in the line, James decided to GRAB my son's leg. I was about to lose all the cool that I did have at that point and get for real mama on this little boy. I decided instead to get the director. She came immediately, removed him to another section of the classroom and attempted to calm him down.

So now you may see how there are so many issues to take with this situation: Teacher's discipline in Development Centers, your own child's self-defence tools, your role as another child's parent in the disciplining of another child, etc. I was very upset but felt helpless in the situation because he is not my child. All I could do is get the authorities. But I hear stories all the time of when every child was every person's and you correct where necessary. Needless to say, I was asked to write a letter documenting the episode because this little child was already in danger of being terminated from the center. Since this was not the first time something of this nature has happened, I wonder both why I hadn't heard anything about his behavior and how is he allowed to behave at home? Hmmm...

But here's the thing: My son modeled the same behavior of his this very morning and believe me...it was NOT accepted.

Blessings,
Aurellia

A Free Day at the Zoo

A few days ago, I took my 3-year-old to the zoo. I knew that it was going to be an adventure but I didn't know it was going to be emotional for me. We set sail to the zoo to see the animals. He, of course, didn't want to go. He wanted to stay at home and play. I stuck to my plan and took him to the zoo (even though it would have been nice to use the child as the scapegoat and not go). During our time there, he was so excited to see the zebras and ostrich and parrot and giraffe and and and...! But I think I was more excited because I got a chance to really enjoy him.

Working full-time since he was 2-months old kept me away from really see him grow. Workoing full-time didn't allow me the chance to see how funny he is and how caring that he is. When you're tired and stressed you miss those things. My free day at the zoo made me count my blessings at the gift of a son who really does like his Mommy.

I grieve over much but rarely rejoice over the little. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to share space with him even if it is only for 15 more years. ;-)

Blessings to you,
Mommy Aurellia

What Children Need Most

I read a book titled "What Kids Need Most in a Mom". So as I am working from home for this season, I realized early on that all kids need is YOU! They just need you to be present. You are the best toy that they could ever have. When the lights in the remote control car go out and the DS record has been broken, they are looking for you. Who do they want to rock them "nigh night"? YOU! Who do they want to kiss their "oughie"? YOU! And it's not because you are considered last resort or leftovers. You are their comfort. So when all the gadgets and play dates at the video arcade fizz out, realize that they really don't need those things. They are great additions but no one can ever replace what they need most: YOU. You just being you. Showing up and being attentive to their whole person.

Always with love,
Aurellia

Time Passes By--Carpe Diem

I was looking at old photo of my 3 year-old son when he was months old. I just shook my head in amazement at how green I really was at being a mother (even though I was raising 3 step-children). I also realized how the time flew by. Zoomed by is more like it. Where did the day go when I was noticing how I could be in Sigorney Weaver's movie "Alien". When my baby would move in my tummy, his little hand would print onto my stomach like the aliens in the movie. I thought about how I couldn't remember holding him as a newborn. Don't get me wrong, I clearly have the images in my head of holding him at 3am in the dark. BUt what I mean when I say "remember" is that I can't sensory memory remember those intimate moments. Part of my forgetting can be attributed to my being emotionally detached from him at times because I was emotionally attached to other matters (which, in hindsight, was nothing of a matter). I won't get those moments back...ever. Don't do what I did with your children. Time passes by quickly; take hold of the current moment and when you're done holding on to it, hold on for 5 more minutes (as my son says when I am asking him to stop what he is engaged in at the present to do something else). These moments are priceless; Seize them.

Blessings,
Aurellia

Karate Kid and Egg

Hello Mommy World! It's been a while since I last visited you in cyberspace but I'm back and with a big egg splated on my face. In my attempt to be a great mom and spend some time with my 3 year old son outside of the house, I took him (and a few others) to see the remake of "The Karate Kid" that opened in theatres this past weekend. I'm thinking to myself that this would be great for him to see a little boy (who he resembles strangely) in action. But to my dismay, this may not have been such a great idea.

Later on that day, we were home and he and his little cousin were in the living room playing. He runs down the hall to my room and says to me, "Mommy, I beat her. I'm gonna win!" He then turns around and runs back towards the living room and his little cousin. Within five minutes, my little cousin comes to my room and tells me that my son hit her on his back. I called my son to my room and asked him why he hit her. He then proceeded to show me some Karate moves and said, "Mommy I beat her. I'm going to win!" It then dawned on me that he was repeating the moves he saw on the movie and repeating the same words he was saying to me in the movie theatre about the boy character in the movie. "Mommy, he beat him. The boy's goina win! Mommy, he won!" Like the character, my son wanted to win.

I didn't think beforehand that this would be the outcome of him watching this film. However, I should have known because at 3, he is VERY impressionable and is in copycat mode. A friend of mine (along with her husband) owns Martial Arts studios and want him to get involved. I was on board at first but now I'm not so sure that he is in the right frame of mind to be able to handle that type of instruction.

Bloggers, what do you think? Post your comments.

Till next time,
Aurellia

"Mommy, I'm going to die."

Last night my almost 3-year old son said, “Mommy, I am going to die.” I was shocked. Here I was giving my son him a bath and he says this. I thought to myself, what do I say. What is the follow-up? I simply followed up with questions. I asked him, “What did you say?” He said, “I am going to die.” I asked, “Where?” He said, “Right here.” I asked, “When?” He said,“Right here.” So then I followed-up with a response I have been trained not say: “Champ, you can’t die right now.” As a clinically trained chaplain, you are supposed to just listen to the patient and not impose your desires onto them. But I just couldn’t let this end with reflective listening. He then followed-up with his usual “Why?” “Because I love you.” “Why?” “Because you’re special.” “Why?” “Because God made you special.” “Ok, Mommy.”


What in the world? What the heck? What am I to do with this? So this morning, I just looked at him and smelled him. I closed my eyes and just breathed in his scent. I couldn’t imagine him not being in my world anymore, especially to death. What does a Mommy do when part of her being dies? I work with people everyday who lose loved ones. I’ve worked at length with mother’s who have to say one last good-bye to their child. It is painful just to watch. But the thing is that it is inevitable-someday. The child might be 3 or 63 but it could happen. What do you do in the meantime? You love them.

Whether alone or in a family unit, you must love on your child. Even when you’re exhausted, love them. Show them that you care for them. Show them that their existence in this world matters to you. Yes, they can get on your last nerve with that 80 millionth tantrum but they are yours and they matter. Their insistent “No!” should matter to you because at least you can hear their voice.

I don’t know why my son said that. Maybe it was a premonition or a prophetic word; maybe it was the Spirit telling me to appreciate his presence in my life more than what I have been. Who knows but it was said. Thank God for another day to be a mommy to my child.

Mother’s—you’re awesome (in case no one tells you today).

Peace and blessings,

Aurellia

If one more kid...

Mom's, why am I always leaving my son's School/Child Care Center saying, "If one more kid..."? It seems as if lately I am finding out that some child bit my son, or put sand in his hair, or pushed him. I mean, goodness. The last thing I need when I get off work is to find out that there is sand in his already not wanting to be washed hair. And goodness if I have put oil in his hair that morning to nourish it, I'm done for!

Where do we as mommies draw the line of protecting our babies and fighting there battles for them? I soooo want to find the child who keeps putting sand in my almost 3-year old's hair and tell him to STOP! But then I stop to think, "Is that my job or should I let me son fight his own fight?" Thinking about it now just makes me sad because there will come a day when I won't be responsible for him or his well being and I will have to let go and trust that I instilled in him strength, courage and wisdom to protect himself and those whom he loves.

Peace and Blessings to you Mommies out there,
Aurellia

PS I still want to go find that kid...lol.

Finding Respite

Good Morning! As I have told you, I am a hospital chaplain. This work is very draining even to the point that I am lifeless. But you really can't be lifeless with a toddler who needs you. Just ask him. He tells me all the time, "Mommy, I neeeeeed you!" So what do you do when you have no life to give to the one who needs your life the most? You can either pull your hair out or you can find a place to journey to within the confines of your home.

I have had to call in the forces such as my friends and family to watch my son while I hid away. I didn't feel as guilty as I would should I have sent him away. He was near and I could still hear his voice but I was on my own island.

Mommies, some times you HAVE to steal away into your secret place (even if it is in your head) and just love on yourself. Be kind to you because you are the only one who truly will love you like you can love you.

Peace and Blessings My Dears,
Aurellia

I did it!

I was in my peer group yesterday participating in an exercise which asked me to talk about a problem I am dealing with at the present time. For me, that problem was lack of sleep due to various reasons but the most prevalent reason is my son's waking up in the middle of the night. Without fail, he wakes up between 12-2a calling my name and looking for me. He climbs out of the bed he is in, searches for me and climbs into my bed. This has been going on for about a year and a half. So just imagine not getting any consistent amount of sleep for about two and a half years (including when he was in utero). But last night, I put my foot down. I did it!

I laid my son down in his bed in HIS room, kissed him goodnight and went into my room and got in MY bed. He got up and tried to get me to come into his room with him but I said, "No. Go back to your bed and lay down." He cried of course. And the guilt inside of me came of course. I had to intentionally ignore his cries and pleas. Eventually the crying stopped and the next thing I knew it was morning. Yeeeeaaaa!!!!

I know it's going to be a long road and I am going to have to stick to my guns but he WILL eventually get it that his room is his room and Mommy's room is Mommy's room and we sleep in our own rooms...because I have GOT to get sleep. ;-)

Peace, Blessings, and Sleep to you,
Aurellia

Umm...why do they keep pushing my child?

Mommy world blues never ends. Yesterday, I went to pick up my toddler son from school and I got news of an incident that occurred between him and another child. My son was pushed down by another child after my child would not give up the car he was playing with. I am like, "Why do these kids keep messing with my baby?" When I talked to the Director of the School about this, she tried to reassure me that this child was spoken to and told the correct way to play. We talked a little bit more about my son and the various incidents he has had with other children. I got my son and went home.

I'm not sure about anyone else but I am just exasperated with the other kids at my son's school. He's been bit, had sand put in his hair and pushed down. My son is not the perpretrator but I know there would be those who would like to say my son is a wimp. Well, I can't say he is a wimp AT 2! My son knows how to play "nice." What are these parents exposing their children to? Is his school really helping the children learn and understand correct behavior? Is it even their responsibility? Well, it is if my child is there. Having to go over the ill-behaviors of another child towards my child is the last thing I want to deal with after a long day at work and back to back traffic.

So Mommies, what are we to do about this?

Peace and Blessings,
Aurellia

Working Moms Talk

To all the Working Mommies out there-This Blog is for you. This is our space to listen to each other, learn from each other and be inspired by each other.

I am a working mother of...well, it depends on what day of the week it is how many kids I have. Let's just say for the sake of a consistant description, I am a working (we'll talk more about what that really means later) mother of 1 handsome and courageous little 2 1/2 year old boy. I work as a Full-Time Hospital Chaplain and a Part-Time Youth Pastor. (I am also the step-mother of 3: 11 yr old pre-teen and 11 yr old twin boy and girl whom I occasionally parent.) My life is full...full of tiredness, full of stress, full of worry, fully of busyness but also full of love, joy, excitement, laughter, and happy tears. My world enlarged the day I became a mom. I didn't realize I would have such compacity to hold large amounts of love and knowledge.

I now know so much about so much. Like the best way to feed my child so I'm not late to work and he's not hungry before they feed him at his school. Like how to fit in my mommy time and he not feel neglected. Well...I'm working on that part but coming pretty close. So the life of a working mommy has its challenges but if we are truly here for one another and not judging each other, it will all pay off in the end...for everyone.

Peace and Blessings to you,
Aurellia